Plum Crazy, the never ending novel

I finally posted Chapter 10 of Plum Crazy on my workshop site. When I finish this book, I promise never to start a new one. I am not a novel writing girl, I've learned this the hard way.

I am not a long distance writer. Short stories and poetry are my forte.

But I've committed now and I will finish even if it kills me and it may.

I love writing but I don't have the patience for a long drawn out project. I like finishing and moving onto something else. I guess I have writer's ADD. But if I hadn't tried it, I'd have always wondered if I could.

And that's what Plum is to me. Plum Crazy is going to prove to me that I can finish a project. It may not be the best novel in the world but it is going to be a finished one.

I've tried setting schedules and I just break them. I get paralyzed by reviews. But if no one reads, I get frustrated by the lack of feedback.

I'm nuts.

Anyway, this my novel update.

Tirz

Writing With A Potty Mouth

Now I admit if you’re writing Christian fiction or a book on the saints, you may not have a use for foul language, but for the rest of us, how do you handle it?

Where does the line fall? I think it all comes down to character. No, not your character but rather that of the person you’re creating. If you’re writing a book on prison, then having your characters speak in sanitized Queen’s English isn’t going to be believable.

A murderer isn’t going to to say, “Oh darn you, you rotten scoundrel. I’m going to have to stab you in your posterier with my shank.”

Cussing is almost required in that situation.

But how much is too much? We’ve all watched movies or read books where the f-word becomes so overused that it doesn’t have any meaning anymore. As a writer, you’re going to eventually get a feel for your character’s cadence and style.

Until you get a feel for it, here are a few tricks to help you.

If you’re not sure if the swear words should be there, then take it out and read the line aloud. Would you still know your character made that statement? If the answer is no, you’ll probably need to put it back.

But that doesn’t always work.

So ask what is the point of the swearing?

Is it for emphasis? Is it showing a character’s anger, strain, or loss of temper? If so, then use it sparingly so it stands out like a red dress at a black and white ball. The use of one ‘fuck’ will catch the eye of the reader more than if you litter the page with it.

However, if the swearing is to show the character’s upbringing or true demeanor, use the foul words more in dialogue and less in description. Remember, every word your character says or doesn’t say reflects on who they are. Description reflects more on the narrator/writer.

How does it show character? A person answers, “Have a nice day,” with a “Screw you, Asshole,” isn’t the same person who’d answer it with “Fucking hippie” or “Thanks, you too”. These three answers reflect three distinct personalities. So all words, even the bad ones, really matter.

What if it’s situational swearing?

Try asking yourself, ‘Who is this person talking?’ and ‘What kind of day are they having?’

Always consider your situation.

Even a priest might say “hell” if he just got shot in the groin. But whether or not he says it illuminates who this priest is as a person. If he suffers in silence, passes out, or prays for his shooter, it gives you a look at his true character. People under extreme stress usually stop pretending and be themselves.

Don’t be afraid to say damn, hell, shit, fuck, and piss. But don’t love it so much that you don’t when to hit the erase key. Keep your key questions in mind. Why is there swearing? Who is my character? What kind of day is my character having? Does it make the same statement without the bad words?

After awhile, you won’t need the questions, you’ll just know.

Until then, have a nice damn day.

*Also posted on my collaborative blog, Journeys In Ink.

How to Write Naked

Put your pants back on, it’s not that kind of naked.

Writing naked is to write without fear.

When you’re writing, do you hear a little voice in your head that says things like, “What if your mother read that?” or “What would the people at work think?”? Most writers have those annoying little voices, mine sounds like a constipated grandmother. You can’t write good prose if you write in fear.

So how do you teach yourself to let go of all that anxiety?

I suggest sitting down and writing about the most embarrassing, disgusting, or scariest thing you can think of. Go ahead. Start with one sentence. Something you would never let yourself say out loud because it’s not the polite thing to do.

My first sentence, “I hate my mother.”

Do you have that queasy feeling in your stomach? That’s a good thing. It means you tapped into a part of your thoughts that makes you uncomfortable. If you edit what you write before it even hits the page, your characters will be stunted in the long run.

If you can’t get past that fear that someone will judge you for it then tell yourself you can tear up the paper the moment you’re done.

Are you writing?

If you don’t have any idea of what to write, I suggest a very explicit sex scene. If you’ve never written one before, you’re hand will shake, you’ll sweat. You might even wheeze a bit but it’ll be good practice for you.

For most people, writing an explicit sex scene is as naked as you can get on the page. Just don’t write the actions, write the parts that frighten you. Do an S&M scene, write a raunchy scene. Be bold. Put your Grandmother in a leather thong and give her a feather whip.

Writing about sex doesn’t scare me much. However, I find emotional nakedness to be frightening. I’d much rather write about boobs and butt than write a character that kills dogs or drowns newborns. I find that kind of character repulsive. But if I can’t get beyond that instantaneous fear, I hurt my writing.

Don’t let your internal editor stifle what you want to write. Perhaps you aren’t interested in writing about sex. Fine by me.

What scares you?

Does your character secretly find her newborn annoying? Does he have sexual fantasies about the family priest? Does she want to drown her mother in a soup tureen?

Remember, nothing you ever write has to be read by another person. Write it exactly the way you want, be mean, be sexy, be nasty. Tell people you want to pee on kittens. No one ever has to know.

Always write as if no one will ever read it.

Then put a lock on the file for a couple of weeks then take it out and read it again. Is it good? Do you feel that you were being absolutely honest on the page?

If you were a stranger, would this piece of work speak to you?

If the answer is yes, you’ve won the battle. You’re on your way to becoming the kind of writer others only dream of being.

You may never publish this writing but you’ll know you can. You’ll know the next time that you need to write your evil, disgusting, strange characters, you’ll be able to do it.

You’ll be able to be bold and write without fear. Now you can take off your pants…just kidding.

Remember to Write Naked!

Hey Writer, You Suck!

You suck.

Well, it’s true. All writers suck at some point in their careers. Even your hero, that literary genius who composed sonnets in his crib and gave a stream-of-consciousness book report on Atlas Shrugged for his third grade book report; he sucked. If you don’t believe me and he’s still alive, sneak into his house one night, gently wake him up, and ask him.

While you’re waiting for the cops to pick you up, I think you’ll discover that compared to his current work, he’ll say that third grade book report sucked. Sucking isn’t the problem, it’s the degree of suck. All writers start with some degree of talent. Some have an ocean’s worth, some have a drop. But that talent has to developed, has to be worked.

A writer with a drop of talent, who writes, workshops, and continues to grow, will have fifty times the success of a literary genius who sits on his butt and waits for opportunities to show up at his door. It’s a combination of work, talent, and sheer stubbornness.

Don’t believe me?

I can prove it. Go to your local bookstore or library and look through the paperback novels. Now stay away from your favorite authors. Just randomly pull ten books off the shelf that you’ve never read or heard of. At least one of those books will be utter crap or at least as good as the crap you write.

You know what the difference is between you and this published author is?

And no it’s not blackmail photos of someone at Random House, it’s commitment. Most writers get rejected. Expect to be rejected. Think of yourself as girl with the neck boil and the lazy eye who wants a date to the prom. If you don’t have a guilty cousin doing you a favor, you’re going to have to ask more than one boy. You’ll get hurt, you’ll cry a bit.

But eventually you’ll figure out that a turtleneck sweater, a pair of tinted glasses, and a push-up bra gets you what you what you want. It’s the same with writing.

It won’t be easy.

You’ll have to work hard to improve your writing flaws, learn to enhance what’s already good and minimize what isn’t.

But it’s not impossible.

Will you get a five book deal and get to tell your current boss to suck it? Probably not. But can you get published? Probably yes.

But are you stubborn enough to keep at it?

Because that’s what it’ll take, sheer stupid stubbornness.

I can do that, can you?

Remember when you suck, Koontz, King, Steinbeck, Hemingway, Rowling, Whitman, Austen sucked too and you read their books, right? Right.

Be proud.

Keep sucking.

I know I will.

~ Tirz

Are you Insecure? Writing a Novel

Me too! Me too!

I'd stretching the last few years and I'm trying to write a novel. I'm much more comfortable writing poetry. And if you'll excuse the conceit, I'm a decent poet. Not startling great but decent.

Novel writing is not natural for me but it something I really want to do, at least once. After a few slow starts, I found a story that seems to appeal to readers and appeals to me. But I'm so insecure about novel writing, I hamper myself.

My workshop reviews tie me up in knots for hours. I start to wonder if I'm kidding myself. Maybe I'm not meant to write a book. Maybe the story is idiotic. It's not a traditional book. I'm not a traditional girl. But maybe I went to far down the wrong path?

I get overwhelmed. I don't know what do half the time.

Part is my concept. The book I'm writing is an grown-up adventure story. Each chapter starts with a hook and ends with a hook, much like a child's adventure book.
The larger plot is very loose, the adventure is more important than the destination. Once again, this is not how most books work.

Plus it's first person and the narrator is unreliable. The reader can't always trust her perceptions. It's like being on a roller coaster run by an eight year old hyped on sugar.

My whole concept hinges on voice. The voice of the narrator has to carry it all. But people want explanations. They want everything to be boxed off and clear and concise. But I don't think this book will ever be completely normal. But does that mean it won't be satisfying?

I really don't know.

I have tense problems. That I can fix.

The mis-spellings I can fix.

But when you're doing something new, how can you trust someone on plot? I may be wrong. What I'm doing may not work in the long run. I may never find a publisher.

But I want to finish.

Yet...

I'm so afraid of failing. Of being a disappointment to my readers, I find myself not writing. Which is worse?

What do I do?

When you don't know how to dance and people give you conflicting instructions? Who do yo listen to? Or do you set down on the dance floor and just cry?

I know the book has moments when it works. I'm not lying to myself there but is that enough? If you can't give the reader the whole meal, should you even bother with the appetizer.

I don't want to fail.

But I feel like such a loser. I keep losing the voice. The character keeps going silent on me.

I feel like I'm writing underwater and all the lines are blurred.

Did I use enough metaphors here? Hah.

I'm not one of those novel writers who lives for my novel. It's not my life's blood, poetry is that for me. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's it. Maybe I don't love it enough.

Maybe you need to be in love with your novel.

I don't know.

I'm making myself finish this. I will write this novel.

If only to tell myself that I can write one.

But it shouldn't be this hard.

It shouldn't.

Maybe I am a failure.

I don't know.

Tomorrow is another day and another chapter.

Tirz

Back Up Your Writing!

Ah, you write the last sentence of the final paragraph of your 200,000-word epic American Novel and you hit save. You’re exhausted, you’re elated. You’re just a little bit smug. I’m sure you’ve hit Twitter to brag to all your writing frenemies out there in the web world.

Then, the next morning you push your computer’s little ‘Go’ button and the screen remains mysteriously black. Mmm, that doesn’t look good. You check all the cords and it’s plugged in. You hit the button again, several times. Because repeatedly hitting it always works…lol. Still, just a black screen.

Now, your heart is pounding, little droplets of sweat start to stream down the crack of your ass (the sign of real desperation).

You call all your friends, a couple of enemies, and even your sister’s idiot husband who thinks he’s good with computers. Nothing works.

Nearly hysterical by this point, you get in the car in pajamas and flip-flops and drive to the nearest computer fix-it shop. You hold your broken laptop out to the 12-year old with the name tag and blubber, “ahbubhabib broken, boghsdiguy novel”, which he understands as ‘My computer is broken, please retrieve my novel.’

Only three hundred dollars later you know your laptop is dead forever. The boney kid swilling AMP at nine in the morning manages to save a couple of files. You have the draft of six chapters, about twenty-thousand words.

You literally lie down on the sidewalk and wait to die. God is not merciful.

Eventually, the police make you get up. Authority figures rarely understand the pain of losing your writing. And it’s best to go the heck home to start all over on your novel or to throw yourself on the bed and scream. Whatever works for you.

If you’re in an apartment, I suggest you scream with your head buried in your hypo-allergenic pillow. Neighbors don’t understand creative pain either.

Next, you’ll twitter all your friends about your bad luck. Several of them have the nerve to snicker a bit at your expense.

Don’t let this be you!

How can you avoid the humiliation?

First, back up your writing in multiple places. At the very least, set up a free yahoo or g-mail account and email each chapter to yourself. This way it’s waiting in a third party email account that you can access from anywhere.

Second, put it on a flash drive. Then put your flash drive where children can’t flush it down the toilet. Don’t trust the dog around it either. My male dog did something unspeakable to my flash drive that I can’t even repeat here for fear the porn police will arrest me.

Third, put it on an old-fashion disc. There’s a reason we used those things all these years.

Fourth, sign up for a third party writing site that allows you to load your writing but not display it. I use a couple of these sites to ‘store’ my writing for emergencies.

And the last thing to remember is not to dwell on what’s lost. It’s gone. Have a good cry, a beer, or kick a stuffed teddybear but get over it. Either re-write it or write something new.

And back your writing up!

But if you forget and erase something, remember to tell everyone how great it was. After all, they can’t prove otherwise, now can they?

Good Writing!