I Love My Grippos Potato Chips

If you don't live in the tri-state area (Ohio, KY, IN), you've probably never had a Grippo BBQ potato chips. You are missing out. When you get a perfect bag, it's bliss. I want to cram every one of those salted beauties into my mouth before someone else gets one. My brother actually has them shipped to Texas. They are tasty with a capital T.

Sometimes, though, you get a bad batch.

The seasoning is too heavy, the garlic/onion is over done. This is usually when they've loaded a new batch of seasoning to the machine. This means the bag is inedible and so will ever other bag you try to buy. The best thing to do is wait it out, about two to three weeks for the seasoning to even out.

These really are delicious, crunchy chips. Not too oily. They don't smell of peanuts. They are addictive.

Mmm...I need a bag.

The BBQ are spectacular. The plain are boring. The Dill chips are just odd and hard to find. But if you want a BBQ chip that isn't too sweet (like Lays BBQ) or too hot like many other brands, this one will make you happy. But don't eat their plain chips, they are dull, dull, dull.

Other chips are okay. Lays are nice and salty but a bit oily. Ruffles have an aftertaste but give good crunch. Doritos smell a bit like feet and stain everything orange. And Mike-Sells just suck.

But for a good BBQ chip, you have to go Grippo.

Writing With A Potty Mouth

Now I admit if you’re writing Christian fiction or a book on the saints, you may not have a use for foul language, but for the rest of us, how do you handle it?

Where does the line fall? I think it all comes down to character. No, not your character but rather that of the person you’re creating. If you’re writing a book on prison, then having your characters speak in sanitized Queen’s English isn’t going to be believable.

A murderer isn’t going to to say, “Oh darn you, you rotten scoundrel. I’m going to have to stab you in your posterier with my shank.”

Cussing is almost required in that situation.

But how much is too much? We’ve all watched movies or read books where the f-word becomes so overused that it doesn’t have any meaning anymore. As a writer, you’re going to eventually get a feel for your character’s cadence and style.

Until you get a feel for it, here are a few tricks to help you.

If you’re not sure if the swear words should be there, then take it out and read the line aloud. Would you still know your character made that statement? If the answer is no, you’ll probably need to put it back.

But that doesn’t always work.

So ask what is the point of the swearing?

Is it for emphasis? Is it showing a character’s anger, strain, or loss of temper? If so, then use it sparingly so it stands out like a red dress at a black and white ball. The use of one ‘fuck’ will catch the eye of the reader more than if you litter the page with it.

However, if the swearing is to show the character’s upbringing or true demeanor, use the foul words more in dialogue and less in description. Remember, every word your character says or doesn’t say reflects on who they are. Description reflects more on the narrator/writer.

How does it show character? A person answers, “Have a nice day,” with a “Screw you, Asshole,” isn’t the same person who’d answer it with “Fucking hippie” or “Thanks, you too”. These three answers reflect three distinct personalities. So all words, even the bad ones, really matter.

What if it’s situational swearing?

Try asking yourself, ‘Who is this person talking?’ and ‘What kind of day are they having?’

Always consider your situation.

Even a priest might say “hell” if he just got shot in the groin. But whether or not he says it illuminates who this priest is as a person. If he suffers in silence, passes out, or prays for his shooter, it gives you a look at his true character. People under extreme stress usually stop pretending and be themselves.

Don’t be afraid to say damn, hell, shit, fuck, and piss. But don’t love it so much that you don’t when to hit the erase key. Keep your key questions in mind. Why is there swearing? Who is my character? What kind of day is my character having? Does it make the same statement without the bad words?

After awhile, you won’t need the questions, you’ll just know.

Until then, have a nice damn day.

*Also posted on my collaborative blog, Journeys In Ink.

Excerpt from 'A Father Knows...' (Fiction)

It's loud in the evenings in Morganstown. Cars drift by, music blaring, a mix of Mexicana and rap that swells into a headache behind my right eye. I feel the beat there now, pounding. Or maybe it's my heart that pounds out, "No, no, no" but I feel the answer, a cold bubble of truth that lodges like a knife in my gut.

I know but I don't want to know.

He's standing on the steps of his mother's apartment building, his teeth flash as he laughs with a skinny boy with FT shaved into the back of his head. But I don't see that other boy; I see him, my son.

"Darius."

Just his name and he freezes, his dark eyes wide, the dimple disappearing from his cheek.

I grab his arm, digging my calloused fingers into the plump flesh underneath.

"Dad?...Dad?" someone calls but I'm already dragging him across the street, ignoring the screaming horns and swear words. His skin is slippery with sweat but I yank him after me, not stopping when he stumbles. The music beats in the background like an accusation, ringing in my ears.

"Dad?Dad?"

In the park where I took him to play as a kid, I stop. He trips and falls to his knees, blubbering. The swings sit empty and silent behind him as big sloppy tears pour down his cheeks, leaving wet circles on his blue t-shirt.

That bubble of cold breaks in my belly and spreads through my bones. I'm trembling. He's trembling.

"Darius, don't lie to me, son. Did you do it?"

"Dad..."

He's on his knees, his eyes rolling wildly, looking at anything, anyone but me. To me, we are the only two people in the world. The vein behind my eye throbs. I yank the gun from the waist band of my jeans and I press it against his forehead. He moans. The cold wraps around my heart until each beat of it rips a bigger whole in my chest.

"Darius, I will know if you lie. I'll know."

"Daddy..."

To be continued...

How to Write Naked

Put your pants back on, it’s not that kind of naked.

Writing naked is to write without fear.

When you’re writing, do you hear a little voice in your head that says things like, “What if your mother read that?” or “What would the people at work think?”? Most writers have those annoying little voices, mine sounds like a constipated grandmother. You can’t write good prose if you write in fear.

So how do you teach yourself to let go of all that anxiety?

I suggest sitting down and writing about the most embarrassing, disgusting, or scariest thing you can think of. Go ahead. Start with one sentence. Something you would never let yourself say out loud because it’s not the polite thing to do.

My first sentence, “I hate my mother.”

Do you have that queasy feeling in your stomach? That’s a good thing. It means you tapped into a part of your thoughts that makes you uncomfortable. If you edit what you write before it even hits the page, your characters will be stunted in the long run.

If you can’t get past that fear that someone will judge you for it then tell yourself you can tear up the paper the moment you’re done.

Are you writing?

If you don’t have any idea of what to write, I suggest a very explicit sex scene. If you’ve never written one before, you’re hand will shake, you’ll sweat. You might even wheeze a bit but it’ll be good practice for you.

For most people, writing an explicit sex scene is as naked as you can get on the page. Just don’t write the actions, write the parts that frighten you. Do an S&M scene, write a raunchy scene. Be bold. Put your Grandmother in a leather thong and give her a feather whip.

Writing about sex doesn’t scare me much. However, I find emotional nakedness to be frightening. I’d much rather write about boobs and butt than write a character that kills dogs or drowns newborns. I find that kind of character repulsive. But if I can’t get beyond that instantaneous fear, I hurt my writing.

Don’t let your internal editor stifle what you want to write. Perhaps you aren’t interested in writing about sex. Fine by me.

What scares you?

Does your character secretly find her newborn annoying? Does he have sexual fantasies about the family priest? Does she want to drown her mother in a soup tureen?

Remember, nothing you ever write has to be read by another person. Write it exactly the way you want, be mean, be sexy, be nasty. Tell people you want to pee on kittens. No one ever has to know.

Always write as if no one will ever read it.

Then put a lock on the file for a couple of weeks then take it out and read it again. Is it good? Do you feel that you were being absolutely honest on the page?

If you were a stranger, would this piece of work speak to you?

If the answer is yes, you’ve won the battle. You’re on your way to becoming the kind of writer others only dream of being.

You may never publish this writing but you’ll know you can. You’ll know the next time that you need to write your evil, disgusting, strange characters, you’ll be able to do it.

You’ll be able to be bold and write without fear. Now you can take off your pants…just kidding.

Remember to Write Naked!

I like Pizza, most of the time

I like pizza. Most people do.

But like any food, people can screw it up.

First, anyone who tells you all pizza is the same is an idiot. It varies greatly. Some will tell you they like all brands of pizza, these people too are idiots. The world is full of idiots, you just get use to it.

Anyone who thinks a Totinos frozen pizzas are even close to real pizza goodness must have lost his/her tastebuds in a tragic accident. I feel sorry for them. Totinos are foul. Edible under extreme duress only.

The good news about them is that they are a dollar. Yep, a dollar. No one dollar pizza is wonderful. The crust is flaky, almost like a flattened biscuit, the sauce is a bit sour, but the cheese is so-so. If you cover it in your own pepperoni and your own sauce, it gets a bit better but still not great.

DiGiorno’s frozen pizza is pretty good. They have real honest to goodness cheese. Now, I’m lactose intolerant so if I’m going to spend an hour bent over with cramps, I want it to be worth it. They are worth it. The toppings are real meat and not plastic fakes. The crust crisps up pretty well. Its a nice frozen pizza.

As nice as a frozen pizza gets anyway. Its like saying a girl is a real nice hooker. You don’t know if its a compliment or not but it sounds pleasant.

Tony’s, Red Baron’s etc…fall some where between the two. Not as gag inducing as Totinos but not as good as DiGiorno’s.

One note of caution…never, ever eat a diet frozen microwave pizza (gagging). These suck. They really do. I don’t care how much you lie to yourself, that is not good pizza. It is not close to good pizza. Pizza doesn’t microwave well. People who eat everything out of the microwave might as well eat the cardboard box, it’d taste almost as good.

If you want low-fat pizza, make your own. Lord knows there are a dozen ways to make it with less calories and more taste.

I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I actually wrote myself a note. No recipes in the blog. No freakin’ recipes in the blog…but do I listen? No, I never do.

The two easiest homemade low-fat pizzas to make are the BOBOLI LAZY PIZZA and the Tortilla pizza.

If you are like me, if you have to spend more than ten minutes cooking it then you’d rather eat potato chips out of the bag, this is the home-made pizza recipe for you.

Get a BOBOLI Pizza Crust, THIN VERSION. These are pre-baked. Yes, a pre-baked pizza crust. Genius. They are usually in most groceries stores, hidden away. If you have a Kroger’s, they are usually in the pizza sauce aisle next to the Tortilla/Salsa display. I don’t know why; I don’t work in Kroger’s marketing department. The exception is the Kroger on Mall Road. They hide their crusts and don’t carry the thin version. Silly bunnies.

Cut crust into 8 pieces. Whole crust is 17 Weight Watcher’s Points. And no, you shouldn’t eat the whole thing.

Buy the Kroger Pepperoni Pizza Sauce. It’s cheap, it tastes good. Its a bit on the sweet side as sauces go. There are two main thoughts on pizza sauces, classic sour or new sweet. I like sweet. If you want sour, may I suggest a jaunt through Italy? Tomato sauces need sugar to cut the acidity. A little sauce goes a long way. For one WW point, you should more than enough to cover your pizza.

I buy the Hormel Turkey Pepperoni. Okay, it isn’t as good as regular pepperoni. I could blow smoke up your butt and tell you that it is but it isn’t. But it is about 85% the same and hidden in the pizza toppings, I can live with that. But for some reason, it smells a bit like licorice when you open the bag. I have no idea why. The smell goes away when you cook it. I use 18 pieces. Two WW Points.

For the love of GOD, use real cheese. Fat-free cheese sucks donkey toes. Admit it, you’d rather have real cheese. Some things aren’t worth skimping on such as a good divorce attorney. All dairy products make me sick, but with pills I can tolerate small doses. So, I use real cheese, about 1/4 cup. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but how much cheese do you need? 2 Points

Bake the whole think at 450 degrees. It’s done in about 8 minutes so don’t dawdle. Serves 8 slices at about 3 points per slice. You can add veggies. I don’t recommend it but you can. People always try to sneak in the veggies. It’s a sickness.

You can add two more points of extras if you want, more cheese, more pepperoni, even god-forsaken mushrooms. The total pizza averages between 22 and 24 points on Weight Watchers. You shouldn’t eat the whole thing. I do but you shouldn’t. Show some self-restraint (giggles at the thought).

The good things about this pizza is that the crust is pre-done so if you only want one piece of pizza, get out your scizzors, cut out a triangle of crust, make one slice, and eat. The rest of the pizza dough circle can be taped shut and eaten later. Don’t you love duct tape?

This pizza from start to finish takes like 8 minutes and that is if you take your time and make it pretty. Use paper plates and you won’t have any dishes besides a spoon for the sauce and the pizza pan. The pan isn’t even damp because you don’t need to spray it. The crust is pre-done…no oil required. I’m giddy at the thought.

Oh, I forgot the tortilla pizzas. First of all use flour tortillas. Corn tortillas are not for pizza. And if you even whisper wheat, I will hunt you down and force feed you cod liver oil. Wheat pizza crust…oh my…all that fiber. Makes me want to take a crap to think about it.

Take your tortilla pizza crust, spritz it with 0 calorie oil spray. Don’t have any, rub it with some butter, adds calories but you should have bought some 0 calorie spray. The stuff never goes bad. Its like sour candy, good forever.

Pop it in the oven, on 400 degrees. Get it a litte brown. Take out of the oven. Use an oven glove, balled up t-shirt, old boxer shorts to protect your fingers. I forgot to tell you earlier, the pan gets hot in the oven. Be careful. Now, you’ll sue me for blistered fingers. Save me from America.

Okay, now add sauce, turkey pepperoni, and cheese, pop back into the oven. Don’t worry about the tortilla bubbling up or getting stiff, this is perfectly normal. That sounded dirty. I didn’t mean for it to sound dirty. Just ignore that. But it is normal. The crust browns and bakes super fast. You are done in less that 7 minutes from start to finish.

Eat it. Its reasonable tasting, the calories are good. Does it taste like Pizza Hut? No, but it does the job.

Okay now I’ve got to make dinner. Anything but pizza, I’m sick of talking about it.

Sometime in the future, we’ll talk about delivery pizza and how Pizza Hut ruined a sure thing.

Finish Your Book Already!

Do you know what keeps seventy-five percent of all aspiring authors off the bookstore shelves?

It’s not getting an agent, putting together a killer query, or even writing a bestseller. What keeps them off the shelves is quitting before their book is finished. I’m no different from those writers. I’m insecure about my talent. I’m a bit lazy at times.

I like the idea of publishing my book but the work involved is daunting. First, you have to have the idea, then develop it, write a minimum of sixty thousand words on it. When you finish all of that, you get to start editing and then edit again.

I don’t think anyone ever finishes editing, they merely stop.

Writers get frustrated, I get frustrated. This is why most people quit before finishing Chapter 7 of their rough draft.

Go on, admit it, you have a half-written novel either in your desk drawer or on your computer right this minute, don’t you?

I thought so.

Don’t feel bad, I have two.

Those two novels starts were mostly dry runs where I tried to figure out what I wanted, what I wanted to write, who I was as a writer. Mostly, they were crap. But…if I spent the time to finish and edit them, they might be publishable.

I dropped the ball and that is completely my fault.

My current novel attempt, Plum Crazy, benefited from my failures. I have a better idea of what I want and expect from my book. I’m clear on the general plot including start, major climaxes, and ending but I left a lot of room for improvising. I like to improvise and you have to go with what works for you.

Recently, I’ve doubted my idea, my writing, my voice, basically everything about this book. I stopped writing. Not because the book was bad but because I let my own insecurities strangle my creativity. I let me get in the way of me.

I’m forcing myself to write the next chapter even though I think it’s horrid. Sometimes, I’m convinced that a three year old monkey with a typewriter writes better prose than me but I’m putting the ink on paper. Why? Because you can edit almost any piece of crap into a readable story if you have patience and a dab of talent.

But you can’t edit blank pages.

So if you want to be published, your first and most important task is a simple one. Just finish your darn book.

And while you’re at it, could you write the next chapter of mine?

Thanks!

Tirz
*Also published under my collaborative blog, Journeys in Ink.

Spiritual Accessory???

Perhaps it's the cough medicine or an asthma induced hallucination but I just watched a commercial selling the perfect 'spiritual accessory'. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

It's a gaudy over-sized cross that if you squint through a tiny peep hole you can read an etched print of the Lord's Prayer. I think the first prayer should be your vision is still good enough to read that super tiny print.

Then, the announcer says it's perfect for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas gifts. I'm telling the men out there right now that if you hope to get a birthday blow job, do not give a prayer cross.

For one thing it makes women think of God and women dwelling on God do not want to give you a joyful feeling in your pants. Sorry but it's true. If you find a woman who gets all turned on by a prayer cross, keep her because she's a rare find.

Second it's a gaudy piece of jewelry covered by kindergarden crystals and silver plating. It looks cheap and not in the costume jewelry sort of way. Like a bad gift from grandma sort of way.

You won't get laid if she's thinking of grandma either.

And ladies, if you ever by a prayer cross on a chain for a man in your life, I think I'll hunt you down and give you a smack for your stupidity. Most men do not wear 8 ounces of religious dime store glitter around their neck.

Plus did anyone consider the fact you have to take this hunk of metal off each time you want to try to read the prayer? On, off, on, off, on off. Just tattoo it on your feet and look down, it'll make more sense.

BTW...this is NOT a spiritual accessory. I don't know what the hell a spiritual accessory is but I'm pretty sure it doesn't hang around your neck like an tacky Christmas ornament.

Probably.

Tirz