Sunday, February 14, 2010
Feeling Blue (Personal)
I'm feeling a bit wound and unhappy today.
I get these moods where my skin is too tight and my scalp is crawling. Tonight is one of those nights when I wish, I really wish I drank. I just want a vacation from my life, my thoughts. I just want to be out of this skin.
And I know that it's self-indulgent and whiny and self-destructive.
But you feel what you feel.
I know alcohol wouldn't fix anything, except that for three or four hours I could just be blank. I want to be blank. I think emotionally healthy people probably jog or meditate. I never claimed to be emotionally healthy.
Instead, I'll eat a bag of potato chips and listen to romantic comedies on television. It's not the fake Valentine holiday that has me down. I'm just disappointed in myself.
My writing is important to me. I've poured years into my work. I've written it, polished it, rewritten it. Then torn it apart and written it again. But it's not good enough. It's just not good enough.
Why do I lie to myself? I don't know.
I wonder if artists or musicians all feel like this. When they've bled and sacrificed everything only find out that they're the chorus, the piano bar, the advertising ink person, not the star. When they realize they'll never be the best or even one of the best. They're good, better than average but not good enough.
It's awful to know you're never going to reach your dreams. To know you've given up so much to get a chance of achieving your dreams only to find you've given it up for nothing.
To find that you're never going to fantastic.
That you'll be just slightly better than average no matter how hard you work or how much you desire it.
Gee, thanks. Exactly what I want engraved on my urn when I die..."Slightly better than average".
I've worked and worked and its for naught.
Should I just accept that this is all my life will mean? That this is it. A beige mediocre life where the only contribution I make is to fertilizer heap when I die?
Shouldn't there be more?
There should be something more.
I'm tired of being not enough.