I'm feeling a bit wound and unhappy today.
I get these moods where my skin is too tight and my scalp is crawling. Tonight is one of those nights when I wish, I really wish I drank. I just want a vacation from my life, my thoughts. I just want to be out of this skin.
And I know that it's self-indulgent and whiny and self-destructive.
But you feel what you feel.
I know alcohol wouldn't fix anything, except that for three or four hours I could just be blank. I want to be blank. I think emotionally healthy people probably jog or meditate. I never claimed to be emotionally healthy.
Instead, I'll eat a bag of potato chips and listen to romantic comedies on television. It's not the fake Valentine holiday that has me down. I'm just disappointed in myself.
My writing is important to me. I've poured years into my work. I've written it, polished it, rewritten it. Then torn it apart and written it again. But it's not good enough. It's just not good enough.
Why do I lie to myself? I don't know.
I wonder if artists or musicians all feel like this. When they've bled and sacrificed everything only find out that they're the chorus, the piano bar, the advertising ink person, not the star. When they realize they'll never be the best or even one of the best. They're good, better than average but not good enough.
That hurts.
It's awful to know you're never going to reach your dreams. To know you've given up so much to get a chance of achieving your dreams only to find you've given it up for nothing.
To find that you're never going to fantastic.
That you'll be just slightly better than average no matter how hard you work or how much you desire it.
Gee, thanks. Exactly what I want engraved on my urn when I die..."Slightly better than average".
I've worked and worked and its for naught.
Should I just accept that this is all my life will mean? That this is it. A beige mediocre life where the only contribution I make is to fertilizer heap when I die?
Shouldn't there be more?
There should be something more.
I'm tired of being not enough.
Tirz
Writing is often a horrible career to choose when you want a boost. You're faced with daily rejections, critiques, lack of motivation, lack of inspiration, blank pages and crappy books that somehow made millions while your carefully chosen words wound up on the rejection pile... I often think about Jane Austen who wrote six beautiful books but yet died young and poor.
ReplyDeleteI think your new book looks like a winner though, and you should feel proud about the poetry book that will soon be on your shelf.
ann
Tirzah, you've obviously got a case of the blues at the moment. But do you bounce?
ReplyDeleteC'mon Tirz. Stop putting yourself down and looking on the dim side.
If you were my daughter I'd say - go and shake yourself on the mat, and shake that mood off.
Everything seems blue when you're feeling blue.
Go and give yourself a kick up the bum! Who is going to believe in you, if you don't believe in yourself?
Much love, Jacqui xxx
Read this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.rockonova.com/archives/106
P.S. "kick up the bum" is an English phrase but I'm worried now in case bum means fanny in American. I can't remember, but I think we have the meanings switched round. For clarity, bum = buttocks in English-English. :)
ReplyDeleteI suppose it might've been better to say, "pull your socks up?" - maybe, I shouldn't have said anything at all.
????
That's probably the best policy!
Take care xxx
Kick in the ass is the American and acceptable.
ReplyDeleteLOL.
I get blue but it never lasts.
Besides should I not post how I feel just because people want me to be happier? I don't want to bottle it in. If I write it out, post it, it's like cleansing it out my system.
ReplyDeleteThat works better for me than any sort of false optimism.
I'm not wallowing in it. I'm expressing it.
Expressing it is the first step to letting it go. It doesn't mean it won't come back just that I can let it go for awhile. Besides others feel like I do and this is a way for them to know they aren't alone.
And when they see that I can come back after a post or two, they'll know it's possible.
If I deny what I feel and don't post it just because others want me to be positive all the time then I'm lying to myself and everyone else.
People get down, people get up. People are complicated.
Ah those are my thoughts anyway.
Tirz
Post whatever you want Jacqui.
ReplyDeleteI'm all about being honest.
LOL
I totally get that - whenever I feel blue I write it out too. It is cleansing! SO cleansing.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right about others being able to identify with how you're feeling.
But I still feel it is sometimes necessary to give ourselves a kick up the ass! Before the jumper unravels too much! :)
I've been blue lately, too. Must be something in the air. Oddly, my blue moods are rarely about writing. It's all the world that exists outside writing that troubles (and brings joy) to me.
ReplyDeleteI could say something pithy, but I don't reckon it helps.
Thinking of you!
Corra x
from the desk of a writer
You know I really get this. I truly do - on many levels. What I notice though when I feel icky, is like many of your statements, is I have a tendency to "project". I conjure tomorrow to reflect what I feel today. What we focus on is what we see. Is there something more? You betcha! Are you "not enough", whose opinion are you seeking the answer from? Hopefully not from someone who is a funk. Your writing to me is more than plenty! *hug*
ReplyDeleteYOu have to write it out or say it out or it festers, you know?
ReplyDeleteSo sometimes when my mood is dark, I write it.
Tirz
Some of my best stuff comes when it is dark outside so-to-speak! ;)
ReplyDeleteOne of my good buddies says, "Sometimes ya jus' gotta take an emotional s**t so your pants fit better!" Sorry about that! lol