Thursday, February 25, 2010

Weird, True Personal Facts About Me

1) My first cousin, Marshall, once asked me out on a date.

I said no. Well, I told him he was an idiot because he didn't recognize me and then I said no. I never liked blonds anyway.

2) I once punched myself in the face.

No, I'm not in a self-abusive relationship. I'm just clumsy as hell. I'm just glad I didn't knock myself out.

3) One winter not long ago, I ended up semi-naked in the snow in full view of my neighbors.

That was SO not my fault. BlackDog tricked me.

4) I met Jerry Seinfield.

He's short. Very, very short. And still not funny in person.

5) My Dad invited people to come watch me shower when I was fifteen.

Not on purpose, the old man walked in on my when I was showering. And Daddio being Daddio didn't notice the shower running. He opens his long johns and starts to pee. And he pees. And he pees some more. Just as he's finally leaving, he yells out the door 'Hey do you hear water running?" Everyone runs up and peers into the bathroom, where I'm in the glass door showered holding a six inch wash cloth.

6) I got a goat for my 12th birthday. I asked for a typewriter.

Enough said.

7) When I was 9 and my nephew 4, I taped him to a tree and tried to sell him back to his mother.

I watched a lot of terrorism on television, what can I say. I didn't amputate anything. So, I just cut off a little of his hair, it grew back. Eventually.

8) I once peed on my sister.

Blame my brother, he's the one who burned the house down. Blame my dad for moving us to a converted warehouse to live in. Blame my mother for making me share a bed with my sister. Blame the spider landing on my face in the middle of the night and scaring the pee out of me.

For some reason, my sister blames me. I was seven, I think I can get government pardon on those grounds, right?

9) My mom wouldn't let me cut my hair when I lived at home unless I agreed to get a poodle perm identical to hers. I declined. So I went to college with Amish hair. I looked like I was getting ready to be a third wife to a paunchy middle-aged polygamist.

So at college, I put my hair in a pony tail, braided it, and cut off 8 inches. My mother said I looked whory. Finally, I thought.

10) I never dated Tony Patton.

All three of my sisters dated Tony P., one of them was engaged to him. I escaped the curse due to a slutty waitress with size C knockers and questionable morals. Thank goodness for polyester hos in the service industry.

That's it, bunnies...for now.




  1. 2) I once punched myself in the face. (I often want to punch myself in the face...)

    3) One winter not long ago, I ended up semi-naked in the snow in full view of my neighbors. (I read that's such a funny story.)

    5) My Dad invited people to come watch me shower when I was fifteen.
    (Sad... so sad.)

    6) I got a goat for my 12th birthday. I asked for a typewriter.
    (What!? And you became a writer instead of a goat farmer...I'm shocked.)

    They are so funny. Thanks for sharing.


  2. LOL

    Interesting life there :) thanks for sharing.

  3. What's sad is my neice and her hubby became goat farmers.

    I blame the schools.



  4. You have a knack for what for most would be considered and "overshare" to actually making me wish there were more numbers ...funny my friend!!

  5. I remember that goat story. :D You sure had some strange things happen to you in childhood. You manage to make them sooooooooooo funny. Laughed out loud at the family vs the six inch rag and taping your cousin to a tree.

  6. LOL!! A goat?

    One time I asked for a Xerox machine (seriously!) and got a chalkboard. Har! The ancient version of Xerox?

    I moved my blog. (I know! You told me not to!)

    I'm at Wordpress now:

    from the desk of a writer

    Hope you're well!

    Corra :)

    You're insanely hilarious.

  8. See! You got a goat - I really wanted a goat. Honestly. You think your life is strange and I'm envious that you got a goat!

    "My mother said I looked whory. Finally, I thought." hahaha - funny!

    I was once out with my cousin who was being chatted up by boys. I thought I looked good, they said, "You can bring your brother along!" :)

  9. LOL at #6. Not at you, but so random!

  10. Reading this wonderful list, one question kept coming into my mind ..... WHY?

    Why did you punch yourself in the face? Why did you .......? WHY?

    Truly funny, you had me laughing from start to finish.

  11. I fell up a flight of stairs and tried to catch my fall. Instead, I managed to roll and it myself in the face.

    See? I'm special.


    Goats---not good gifts.

  12. That was funny and I too found myself asking "why'. I just love your sense of humor, my favorites I think 9) and 10)

  13. my thumb isn't do happy

    why isn't my thumb do happy