Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Texture and Food Issues

I suppose you remember that I have food issues.

The truth is I'm food weird...lol. A lot of my food issues have to do with texture. Just like your average two-year old (or so I'm told), if the texture of my food isn't correct then I can't eat it.

What constitutes a texture issue?

LOL...the answer to that question is longer than Steven Tyler's tongue. If you don't know who Steven Tyler is then you probably didn't grow up in the USA, or are Amish, or need to go to bed so you can go to school in the morning. But to keep you in the loop, imagine that an anteater had a child with a large mouth bullfrog. Put that child into a pair of skinny spandex pants, tag on a shaggy wig and a play some rock music with a driving beat. You have just know created your own Steven Tyler, rock star.

Now Steven actually could sing and I liked the band, but even his fans admit he has a freakily large mouth and tongue. Well, except for that guy from Kiss who can lick his shoes while standing but that's just odd.

Any way back to food, I have texture issues.

I don't eat pasta. I don't eat noodles of any kind. I usually don't eat at Italian resturants for some reason. Noodles feel likes boiled skin. Yet on your tongue, it's smooth, slick, and gummy. Awful. Like eating something that had been pre-chewed, reformed, and fed back to me. I am not a baby bird, no regurge food needed.

I don't eat rice. Nope, no rice. It's like legless grubs crawling around in your mouth. I've tried to eat them steamed, backed, flavored, scented. I just don't like rice. I have on rare occasions after a half a bottle of Nyquil, I can finish two to three spoonfuls of rice pudding. I usually spit it back up later but I can swallow, I don't enjoy it. Do you think this is why I'm single? Dunno.

I don't eat pudding. Honestly, why would anyone eat pudding? Flavored snot. And Tapioca is chunky, flavored snot. Double yuck.

Yogurt. Never, never, never. And if you hate the word never, how about I hope the heck the answer is no. Not only am I lactose intolerant, I refuse to eat any product that has to sour before you eat it. Plus, people hide fruit in it. Gross. I'd rather eat puddding.

Meat that is juicy. If you poke it with your fork and it spurts like a juice box, it's not done so put it back in the oven. And under cooked meat is pinkish, rubbery, and it doesn't need to be chewed. Much like a seal, you just bark and swallow it whole. Not for me.

Boiled veggies. Do I need to explain this? Limp, lukewarm, dead veggies. It's like you smuggled broccoli in your pants and forgot and put them in the washer and dryer. Disgusting.

There are thousand of other things I don't eat because of the texture including jello, flan, custard, jelly/jam, anything with loaf in the title, shredded meat.

Yet, I'm not a bad dinner guest. I'm great at hiding food under food and I'm really happy with a pack of plain saltines and a bottle of water. See no cooking? So why do you bitch when I don't want to come to dinner? I mean, you think you'd appreciate the night away from the stove. It's not your cooking. Well it is your cooking but it's everyone else's too.

I'm not a food person.

I'm a fat food hater.




  1. Funny, funny post. Perhaps you should have listed what you liked to eat because than your post could be shorter... but it wouldn't be as funny.

    Love reading your stuff.


  2. That's not so bad. Most of the things you mention are only "plate filler" you know what they load up the plate with to decorate the real food.

  3. Glad I am not the only one with weird food habits/likes/dislikes.

    Boiled vegetables should be outlawed. Rice is not nice, and Rice Pudding (or any other milky pudding) is banned in my house.

    I don't like potato, or fresh fruit, tomato, capsicum (Bell peppers to you I think), peas are disgusting and can only be swallowed whole like tablets if I am in a situation where I can't avoid them.

    I will eat salad though ;) LOL


  4. I won't look at pasta the same again... thanks as always for the descriptives! lol

  5. Bunny, how about waffles. I know you like bacon and pizza and burgers (well done). LOL This is great and I totally agree with you about the boiled vegetables. That's just nasty!

  6. Another funny post but please remind me to never, ever invite you round for dinner ..... or breakfast, tea or supper come to that.

  7. I like most potatoes.

    And waffles? Can be tolerated if they fit the strict tirzah/food guidelines. They must not be touched by butter. The maple syrup (and only maple is acceptable) must be separate from the waffles and warm. No fruit, cream, or drizzle of any kind may be used. So? You making me waffles?

    Hey Petty, you don't have a sleeve of saltines and some water for me?