Monday, December 28, 2009

If Human Marriage was like the Animal World

I've been sick so I'm reposting this article from TNBW.

I was thinking (and that's always dangerous) about how odd/funny it would be if human weddings followed the rules of the animal kingdom.

Preying Mantis-- Bride and Groom say their vows, they get busy, Bride gets knocked up, Bride bites off Groom's head and deposit's her fertilized eggs in his warm corpse. Think of all the money saved on divorce lawyers. Plus, you'd never have to argue about silly stuff when he started to get on your nerves. Then again, I bet male vascectomies would be on the rise.

Dogs--Bride and Groom get married, more or less. Then, while everyone is watching, Groom bangs Bride. Actually, all intact Groomsmen bang Bride. Bride gets knocked up. Groom pretends not to know Bride and commits bigomy with each of the Bridesmaids. Good news is that in the dog world you don't need to be pretty, skinny, or popular to get laid. The bad news is that your house smells like puppy poo. Marriage repeats each year until Bride's ovaries fall out her hoohaa. Female tubals would go through the roof.

Pandas---Both Bride and Groom are fat and disinterested. You eat a lovely vegetarian meal, fart in front of each other, and scratch your private areas because, really, you have no interest in sex. If pressed, the Groom might lay on top of the Bride and take a nap. All children are conceived through IVF and the Bride has the right to sit on any of the ugly ones. Plus, if you ignore the ugly, squirmy things, human nannies come and raise it for you. Really, this is the way to go. No passion but no work.

Ants--Groom works like a dog to impress Bride. Bride has male harem but doesn't sleep with anyone. Finally, she picks a male, does the nasty, creates new males to groom and take care of her. Groom is quickly discarded and a new Groom is picked. More children are created. Groom's job is to take care of Bride and children and not get in the way. Most males would just stick their heads in mud hole and hope to suffocate. Internet porn bills go through the roof.

People---After a long negotiation or a lot of drinks in Vegas and a mutual exchange of gifts, the Groom and Bride decide they can stand each other well enough to cohabitate. This understanding means Groom and Bride must tolerate ex-Grooms, odd family members, and snotty bad-tempered children from previous weddings. If divorced, Bride and Groom both have the right to call each other foul names and flip each other off in traffic.

Now, who are the strange ones? I dunno but I do know one thing....I'm not getting married.

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