Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I'm older than 21 but less than dead. :)

Okay, I admit it, I'm 39.

I don't mind the age, I don't feel thirty nine inside. Inside I'm a hyperactive teenage boy. Too bad I'm trapped in the body of an almost middle aged chubby woman.

What I'm worried about is that I've done so little with my life. Every year I get a little closer to the end of life. And it may not wait until I'm old. My health has gone in and out, especially my lungs.

I hate the idea that I'll die with nothing to show for it. Nothing to be remembered for. I never married and I can't say I'm sorry about that, I'm not. I'm not the marrying type. I've always been insular and have never met anyone I wanted to let into my private world.

I have no children. That is probably for the best. I'm not sure I'd be a good parent. I'm still too broken to give a kid the steady support he or she would need.

I do have family but they don't really know me and they don't want to really know me. They want me to be what they want me to be, not who I am.

Whatever they remember of me will only be a small part of who I am.

My friends know another part, bigger than that of my family but not all of me.

I thought when I was younger, my writing would be my legacy, the part of me I could preserve as I am but I'm not quite good enough.

I'm not bad just not world grade. :)

School's fallen through.
Writing has stalled.

I'm thirty-nine today and I wonder what's the point?

Next year will be like this year and the year before.

And it'll continue until I die.

It's all rather pointless.

Origami in the dark.

Anyway it's my birthday and I can be depressed if i want.



  1. Happy birthday, Tirzah! I was going to tell you this Tuesday, but I'll let you know now that on that day my blog post will contain an award for you. Rather serendipitous, considering this is your special week. And I laughed out loud and startled our kitties with your post's opening lines. :)

    BTW, I'm 43, and it wasn't until I was diagnosed with a not-so-fun medical condition that I started writing my first book. Umm, can you guess I was ordered to sit very still, but my Type A personality needed to keep on rolling with something? I have a feeling you've done a lot more than you give yourself credit for and will continue to do so. May every day be happier and healthier than the one before it. The world would be sadly flat without you and your personality in it. You rock!

  2. Im always depressed on my birthday - and I think I deserve to be if I want to. Because its my day and I'll be and do whatever I want to on my bday, dammnit.

    When you're ready to not be down today, a few things I humbly offer for you to think about:
    1.YEs, you are one day closer to death. But you are also one day further away from all the stuff you didnt like about your life and yourself yesterday.
    2. The only writng of yrs that ive read is when you leave comments on my blog and you always make me laugh,pause and think,see things in a new light. Thank you
    3. Your art is breathtaking and it will continue to be around when youre long gone. Im envious of your artistic talent *sigh*. Please keep sharing it.

    Happy birthday (for later when u feel like it)

  3. My birthday was 2 days ago but I do things differently than you. Though I know I'm getting older I always tell myself I am one year wiser and better than I was. And that my dear friend is true with you. I've known you for quite a few years now and you will probably never know how much you have impacted my life. You are like a sister to me that I cherish with all my heart. You are talented beyond belief with your art work and your written words even if you don't see it. Though your school might have fallen apart believe me when I say that being better at something you want to do with your life doesn't have to rely on school. It's the passion and the yearning for wanting to become better at that something that makes you better. Always remember that I believe in you. You have, can and WILL do wonderful things.

  4. I'll just say Happy Birthday and tomorrow things will be better.

    Thoughts in Progress
    Freelance Editing By Mason

  5. Oh, Tirz. Recently I turned 35 and I had the same thoughts. It freaks me out that I could die at any moment and not leave any remains of me behind. I know you have stories out there and I know you're someone I think about often and love for her quirtiness. Don't give up quite yet.

  6. Happy Happy BIrthday
    Tirz, I could leave a LONG list of things that you have accomplished, just from my own viewpoint...but I'll keep it to a few. taught me that my computer cannot control my life, that I am the master of its destiny. As a matter of fact, I recall at least 10 e-mails of instruction, over and over, the same instructions but you never lost your patience. taught me what makes a good cover and guided me. make my laugh with your stories and damn good stories they are taught me that you care about your friends.

    If you die, you will be leaving behind many accomplishments. If you want a full list, let me know. I am proud to call you my friend and ..


  7. As someone preoccupied with death, I understand a little bit of what was going through your mind.

    IMO, you're not as bad a writer as you think you are. I never finished Plum - I never seem to have time to stick with anything for long - but she sure made me laugh. That's a good thing in my book. A writer who can make me laugh is all right with me.

    On the family front, most of us have problems there, but I think God in his wisdom create friends just for that reason.

    Hope you're feeling lots better now!