Monday, January 18, 2010

Bad Night (Personal)


I'm having one of my crawling the wall nights. And if you've never had one, I can't explain it to you.

I want to dig my fingers into my skin and peel it off. It's like it's strangling me. I can't stand these walls anymore. No place is comfortable. Everything is like sandpaper on my soul.

I want to bite someone.

Scream.

Claw my arms.

And don't ask me what's wrong because the sad truth is, nothing is wrong.
This feeling makes me want to push stick pins in the flesh of my arms. Bite my hands. Beat my head against the wall.

Yet, I couldn't tell you one thing that's wrong.

Not one thing. My life isn't horrible.

It isn't wonderful.

It's rather ordinary, unexceptional.

Many people would like my life.

I don't mind it most days.

But not today, today I want to burn down my house with me in it. I want beat my car with a bat. I want stop going to work.

I want to erase me.

Start over. Live more.
Live less.

I want something else.

I can almost taste it. Like when someone peels a very ripe orange and the smell crowds your nose until you're drooling, only to find the orange itself is consumed already.

I can taste that orange but all I get is the moldy peel.

I'm dying for flavor, for juice.

I don't know what I want. I have no idea of what would make me happy. Or even if happy is something people get for more than a minute.

All I know is this, whatever you call it, isn't enough.

It'll never be enough.

And you'll never really understand what I'm talking about. I'm more talking more to myself than anything. What should I tell you?

That I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine? It probably will be. Or as fine as is gets.

And I've tried therapy. I get one of two doctors. Either I'm fine or I need anti-depressants. I don't want drugs. What I want is to understand is why I get like this.

Why these moods slam into me like a freight train and all I can do tighten my grip and hope, really hope that I can hang on long enough for ride to stop. Why?

And no, this feeling doesn't last. Not forever but it does come back, time and time again.

I don't know why I'm posting this blog.

I guess, if you feel like this...to tell you that you're not alone.

But I can't help you.

I can't help anyone, not even myself.

T.

13 comments:

  1. Hey, you're not the only one that feels like sh*t. There's a whole bandwagon out there, I'm glad you're letting those people know they're not alone. Mmkay, not sh*t per say, but I understand what you mean. It's just one of those days, some people get it often and some have it when they literally feel that what's going on in their life really just isn't enough right at that very moment. I really hope you do get a taste of that real flavor because sometimes even when one has finally reached what they think will make them happy, in the end even that isn't enough.

    If it makes you feel any better, sometimes..

    I want to destroy my computer.
    Mmkay, maybe more than that.


    LOL

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  2. I want to punch my computer most days. It fights me.

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  3. I go through those days sometimes especially after dealing with humans not in my head. I feel claustrophobic in my house. I used to resort to unhealthy methods to cope (we won't go there)...

    I hope you feel better soon.

    ann

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  4. *hugs*

    I am going through a similar patch in my life. I just want out. Of everything. If I could run away from myself I would. Usually when I get like this I used to go for a long long drive at night, music blaring, until I either drowned out my mind or suppressed it again. Now I can't even do that.

    I don't have a solution for you, but *hugs* you are not alone with this.

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  5. Tirzah, I don't know how much this will help but I do have a gift for you over at my blog under today's post. It's an award I was given and I'm to pass it on, and your blog is one of the blogs I chose.

    Everyone has their coping skills, and I'm not going to minimize whatever it is you are experiencing or where the origins may stem from because I have no idea, it isn't happening to me it is happening to you, so it is your experience.

    I have my own low points that are mine and stem from my own issues and I have my own coping mechanisms. All I can hope for you is that you have your coping mechanisms and that they kick in soon.

    If I could sit with you and listen to you and not hug you because I know you don't like hugs but I could send hug energy to you, I would.

    Aine

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  6. Tirzah, you're not on your own. I myself am going through a tough patch in my life. But you know what? I'm determined to not let it get me down. Optimism is important but also, as you rightly said on your comment, you also have to deal with the thing that is the problem.

    As a side note, are you sure you don't suffer from PMT? It gets me once a month and I always seem to cause an argument on the same day every month because I just feel so shoddy on that day. Quite similar feelings to the ones you described, but different too.

    This feeling will pass and your wonderful sense of humour and fighting spirit will kick back in again.

    Much love, xxx (but no hugs)

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  7. I'm stressed out, and yes, hormonally unbalanced, and in some sort of spiral of angst that's chewing on me.

    I don't like this person much but luckily she doesn't stay long.

    Tirz

    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. You aren't alone either.

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  8. I wanted you to know that I was fortunate to receive a blogger “nod” today from fellow blogger ~ Aine Butler Smith - http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com/ - and the award is the “Happy 101 Award” for positive blogs. I, in turn was asked to choose ten blogs I liked. Yours was one. If you go to my blog ~
    http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/ - you can grab the award (Copy/Paste) and also see the criteria etc. for now passing it on to ten of your friends.
    I know some do not accept awards, nor pass them on. Either way, consider this my humble nod to you and what you do!
    Tony Anders

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  9. Thanks Tony! I actually have a couple I need to pick up. I'm just not sure how to load them up...lol.

    I'll figure it out.

    T.

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  10. Hi Tirz,

    Definitely not alone. Life can tough for thinking people, I know the feeling you describe pretty well. Have you ever read any Albert Camus. I would recommend "the Myth of Sisyphus" to you. It's a collection of essays, but the most important one is the one in the title. I'm naturally skeptical of most feel good systems, but Camus is just a thinker trying to figure out the point to existing. It's not feel good, but it's meaningful, which works for me. It's a piece that changed my life. ANyways there's my .02

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  11. I guess you won the battle and you're all right again. Until next time. Sounds like life to me.

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  12. Havent' read Camus--will look at it.

    Yeah Jayda, I bounced...as my family put it.

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